aku baru saja mengetuk pintumu; entah untuk yang keberapa kali
aku berharap wajahmu menyembul dari balik pintu
tapi bahkan tidak untuk kali ini
seseorang yang bukan kau
mengintip dari pintu yang sengaja ia buka setengah
lalu ia menyampaikan pesan yang masih sama
“ia bilang, jika ada yang mencarinya, katakan ia tak pulang. mungkin tidak hari ini”
that is one perfect thing to start this letter.
i’m sorry for everything that i’ve done to you. baby, i should’ve protected you.
i’m sorry for making you cry over the same thing. i’m sorry for letting you down over the stupid things. i’m sorry i let you thinking too much until you forgot how to let things go.
you may spending your morning tea with the thoughts of what will you do after this or where will your next step leads you.
you may spending your noon wondering if you already fixed the things you wanted to fix or you just make it worse.
you may spending your nights thinking about how everything went so wrong and the roads you thought you knew has changed completely and you end up lost at a place you don’t even know exist.
i’ve tried so long to get rid a monster in me. i know she was there, sleeping. and sometimes she wakes up and throwing everything away. she wakes up and ruin everything; my plans, my dreams, my works, and even let me lose the battle and make me lost everything i had. i am a happy heart once and she turned me into a witch who bleed black. so i’m trying so hard to get rid of her. i always remind myself that there is a monster inside of me. i can’t lose control because i’ll wake her up. i can’t be mad because she’ll know and turns everything into a mess.